I didn’t know I had a new year’s resolution until I’ve forgiven the people who broke my heart, and forgiving myself at the same time. To love is to let go of any hate you have inside. You couldn’t say you’ve finally moved on and is telling I love you’s to someone new when all the while there’s pain etched on your heart and hate in your vain that could explode anytime when triggered. To love is to be happy. To love is to let go. To let go is to hang on to love and memories, not hate and grudge. It felt good.
Mom got message for me to decipher
12/01/2010
I had the weirdest dream. Ever.
In my dream, my mom was alive. She’s been alive all these time. She said she was just few miles away from our home and all it would take to reach her was to ride three buses. She was so excited to see me and hugged me. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I hugged her back, and held on for quite sometime to really feel if it’s her. She’s a bit bony on the shoulder and her skin colour had become a bit dark but it was really her. The eyes, the curly hair, the voice-although it was the sweetest voice of her this time, not the scary one I used to hear when I was a child.
She was so happy I’ve grown up and she gave me a mobile phone so I could communicate with her. She’s done most of the talking I couldn’t get my turn to ask questions about the past- How and why everything happened and why she chose to pretend she was dead but all the while was just a stone throw away and just looking after us?
There was too many questions to ask. Only, I had to wake up.
I want to know what Love is
07/01/2010
A mighty pain to love it is,
And ’tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.
Abraham Cowley
Love. What is it? What’s in it that, they say, could make the world go round? Why does it feels like your heart would skip a beat whenever the object of you emotions comes to mind? Why do you feel butterflies on your stomach whenever that someone is near you? Why can’t u find the right words to say when asked about your feelings? Why are u having sleepless nights because of it? Why appetite seems impossible and a single memory with that person is enough to make you heart and mind bloated with joy? Do you know when u should stop loving? Do u really need to love the person who will never love u back the way u wanted them to? Will u ever find the courage to stop the feeling that seems to feed on your mind, making it impossible to go on your day and nothing seems to be in the right place but beside that person? How will u know if it’s love or just plain infatuation? Could u really say you are in love when u can’t find strenght anymore to face the day ahead of you and all u wanted to do is just lie down in bed, lost in trance, or pretend to sleep but mind would be busy picturing that someone in mind? Or when u drift off to sleep, u dream of that someone but making it more painful on your heart when u have to wake up, sleeping forever is an option just to have that dream? how do u free yourself from such illusion called love? Unrequited love, that is.
“… for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.”
Harold Lokes
